"Never regret anything."

I've always told myself that I've never regretted or will never regret anything, because my own actions teach me the most valuable lessons. Seeing as how I've made possibly the biggest mistake of my teenage life, I don't believe in that anymore. I basically had the biggest epiphany, which is, it's impossible for anyone, especially myself, not to regret their own actions. Run-on sentence, oh well. Anyway, I don't think I've ever felt this kind of emotional pain before. I've never felt such a deep regret. Whenever asked the question: "If you could go back in time, would you change anything that has happened in your life, and if so, what?" I would always say that I wouldn't, because it made me who I am today. I thought that I loved who I was, but finally seeing through to who I really am, I don't love me. I let down the best person I had in my life. If I could go back in time and change one thing, I would change what I did to him. None of it was worth what's happening now. Not only did I ruin one of the best things in my life, I ruined his very own outlook on me. I don't want him to think that I'm not one of the real people in his life, because I am. I don't know how to show it now that I murdered everything he thought I was. I'm not proud at all at what I did and how I lied, but how can I take it all back? I can't, so the question is, what can I do to make this better? I ask people all the time, but do they really know what's best? No. So I have to solve it on my own, but I'm such a mess, I can't even think straight anymore. I've become such a foolish person. I've been crumbling and crashing down on even the littlest amounts of stress given to me. It's hard to even work now, because my personal life is being exhibited through my professional life. Pathetic, because it shouldn't be. This whole post was going so well in my head, but now that I'm typing it out, it just doesn't sound right. I can't even organize my thoughts and jot them down well anymore. I'm so sick of people seeing through my smiles, I just want people to think things are okay, because it will force me to believe they are. It's so silly how I've always lied to myself about my own happiness. It works, but it's just not sensible. I guess I'll just finish another time since I can't really focus..